Monatsarchive: September 2014

Pretzel Crusted Chocolate Beer Fudge Cookies

29.09.2014 12 Comments

I’ve never really been the girl with the sweet tooth. I’ve had a meat tooth. A salt tooth. A beer tooth. I could eat my weight in guacamole or tater tots and it takes a small act of God to get me to stop eating sushi. But sweets don’t give me the mad rabid cravings that get me to lose my mind. I love chocolate, and pie and cake, and I’ll always eat dessert if it’s around. I’ll take a small slice of every single pie at the Thanksgiving table, but those late night cravings that come after a few IPA’s are almost always of the salty variety.

But every once in a while something will hit the right note. Like this toffee that I ate the entire batch of before I could share and then lied and said it fell on the ground when really it just fell into my mouth. The perfect combination of sweet and salty will get me every time. A little sea salt sprinkle on a danish before it’s baked, or salted caramel, or candied bacon, it’s hard for me to really fall in love with a dessert that doesn’t kick me some salt. Which is why pretzels seem to make it into my desserts more often than fruit does. Maybe you like this too, after all, chocolate and pretzels go perfectly with beer.

Pretzel Crusted Chocolate Beer Fudge Cookies

Print Recipe

Ingredients

1 cup bread flour
¼ cup cocoa powder
½ tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp espresso powder
¼ cup granulated sugar
10 wt oz about 1 ¾ cups, chopped good quality dark chocolate (60% cocao)
4 tbs unsalted butter cut into cubes
2 tbs vegetable oil
1/2 cup black IPA stout or porter will also work
1 large egg plus 1 yolk
2 cups mini pretzels
2 tbs golden brown sugar

Instructions

In a bowl add the flour, cocoa powder, baking powder, salt, espresso powder, and sugar, mix until well combined. Set aside
In a microwave safe bowl add the chocolate, the butter and the oil. Microwave on high for 30 seconds, stir and repeat until melted. Don't over heat or the chocolate will seize.
Stir in the beer.
Add the chocolate mixture, egg and yolk to the dry ingredients and stir until just combined, some lumps are OK.
Cover and refrigerate until the dough as has set, about 1 hour and up to 36.
Preheat oven to 350.
Add the pretzels and brown sugar in a food processor. Process until pretzels are broken up but large pieces still remain.
Using a cookie dough scoop, make balls just a bit smaller than golf balls, roll into shape with your hands. Place dough balls into pretzel mixture, press until pretzels are coated.
Line a baking sheet with parchment paper, add cookie balls
Bake cookies at 350 for 8-10 minutes or until the edges have set but the center is still soft. Cookies will firm up as they cool. Don't over-bake or the cookies will be dry and crumbly.

Stout Mongolian Beef

26.09.2014 19 Comments

Stout Mongolian Beef, twenty minutes and so good.

Until this year I was given a smooth transition into fall, which in LA seems to happen sometime around the end of January. September is always scorching, October is "brisk" in that low 70’s kind of way, we’ll get a day of rain in November to which all true Los Angelenos will first say, "I can’t believe it’s raining!" which will be immediately followed up with, "But we need it, so it’s ok." It’s the Los Angeles Rain Manrta, we all say it. Every. Damn. Time. Just the way ever single radio station thinks it’s clever to play No Rain by Blind Mellon followed by I’m Only Happy When It Rains by Garbage chased by a little Umbrella by Rihanna.

Not so much the process with the way the seasons change in Seattle. It was upper 80’s until it wasn’t. It was sunny until it wasn’t. It went from the blistering depths of summer to grab-a-latte-and-pull-on-the-wellies fall, literally overnight. But the oddest part, is that no one moaned. The first time in my life that the first rain of the fall brought a collective sigh of relief from across the City I live in. People wanted it, the way you’re glad when the last guest leaves a good party at 3 am and you finally get to go to sleep. It was as if the City said, "We’re back to normal!" For me, there’s some getting used to that still needs to take place. I’m a lizard on a rock and I need the sun. My tolerance for scorching heat is high, but my rain and cold threshold is still pretty low. So, of course, I spent the day cooking. I made something warm and comforting and reminded myself of all the things besides endless sunshine that this City has to offer.

Stout Mongolian Beef

Print Recipe

Servings 4 servings

Ingredients

1.5 lb flank steak thinly sliced
1/4 cup cornstarch
1 tbs olive oil
1/2 tsp ginger minced
3 cloves garlic chopped
1/3 cup soy sauce
2/3 cup stout
3/4 cup dark brown sugar
1/3 cup canola oil
¼ cup green onions sliced
rice for serving

Instructions

Sprinkle the steak on all sides with cornstarch, toss to coat. Allow to sit at room temperature while you prepare the sauce.
Heat the olive oil in a saucepan over medium high heat. Add the ginger and garlic, stir for 30 seconds.
Add the soy sauce, stout and brown sugar, simmer for 5 to 10 minutes.
Heat the canola oil in a skillet over medium high heat. Add the steak, cooking until browned on all sides (the steak does not need to be cooked through). Pour off excess oil.
Add the sauce, simmer until thickened.
Add to a serving plate, sprinkle with green onions.

Roasted Garlic and Potato Beer Cheese Soup

24.09.2014 28 Comments

Roasted Garlic and Potato Beer Cheese Soup

I’m a bit of a free spirit, an outside the box person. The thought of taking a cruise makes me feel panicked and trapped, as does the thought of living in a tract house, or working in a cubicle. These are all things that people want, right? To feel safe, secure, solid. There comes a day when these "things we should want" lose the gilded film of social pressure and we start to ask: but did I ever really want these things in the first place? Maybe you do, but maybe you don’t, neither authenticates your personhood.

I’ve had more experiences than I should legally be allowed for someone my age, at least twice what I’d ever admit to. I’ve told you about teaching anger management to gang members in South Central Los Angeles, I’ve told you about Italy, Spain, and almost dying in Morocco, and then there are the years I spent with the marginally famous in Hollywood (which I probably won’t ever tell you about unless you get me drunk enough), but there is one thing that I’ve learned that I know for sure: most decision, if made correctly, come down to a quality of life issue. And it is certain that another persons idea of a great life, and whether or not I have it, doesn’t raise that quality. This is freeing. I can wear what I want, live where I want, work how I want, and learn to ignore the social and Pinterest pressure to behave otherwise.

It takes some time for this all to sink in, and you’ll have some question to answer over (and over) again, but it’s a better way.

I like it, it always seems to fit.

Roasted Garlic and Potato Beer Cheese Soup

Print Recipe

Ingredients

1 head garlic
1 tbs olive oil
2 tbs unsalted butter
½ cup chopped carrots
½ cup white onions chopped
2 tbs flour
2 tbs cornstarch
2 cups chicken or vegetable broth
12 ounces pale ale wheat beer or pale lager
½ tsp dried basil
½ tsp chili powder
1 large russet potato about ¾ lbs, peeled and chopped into small cubes
½ cup heavy cream
2 cups shredded cheddar
½ cup shredded parmesan
salt and pepper to taste

Instructions

Preheat oven to 425.
Cut the top tip of the head garlic off, just enough to expose all of the cloves. Place garlic on a piece of tin foil. Drizzle with olive oil and seal the foil around the garlic.
Place garlic packet on a baking sheet or baking dish. Roast in the oven for 30 minutes. Remove from oven and allow to cool. Once it has cooled, squeeze the head to remove the cloves, chop/smash the garlic into a paste.
Melt the butter in a large pot or Dutch oven. Add the carrots and onions, cooking until softened. Sprinkle with flour and cornstarch, stir until thickened.
Add the broth, beer, basil, roasted garlic paste and chili powder, bring to a low simmer.
Add the potatoes and cook until softened, about 15 minutes.
Stir in the cream. About ¼ cup at a time, add the cheese, stirring well between additions.
Salt and pepper to taste.

Honey Mustard Mushroom Stout Chicken

17.09.2014 13 Comments

Honey Mustard Mushroom Stout Chicken: 30 minute, one pot chicken dinner.

A few years ago I was stuck in a small town in south Italy on a 22 hour layover.

While trying to figure out if sleeping in the tiny terminal was feasible, I met an Italian girl about my age. Her English was good, she was stunning, and she was about half way to earning her pilots license, I was instantly enamored with her. She asked if I’d like to stay with her for the night, in the small apartment she shared with her mom. I quickly agreed, jumping in a cab with her to head to a crowded part of town.

She’d planed to drag me around Pescara, first with her boyfriend, then later with a much older man she referred to as her lover, but before then we were obligated to sit down at a small dining table with her mom, who’d been cooking all afternoon. After an incredible meal of homemade bread, a small green salad, smashed peas and a roasted chicken, I’d offered to do the dishes. Half way through the clean up, Chiara came into the small kitchen dressed in tight jeans, shiny black heels that made her well over 6 feet tall and tight, tiny tube top. She leaned against the counter as I finished drying the larger platter and asked me about my life in LA and the celebrities I’d met. As I talked, she lit a cigarette she had buried in her purse. A few drags in, she froze as we heard her mom coming around the corner, she shove the cigarette into my hand and took a big step back. Her mom gasped as she saw the American girl in her kitchen with a lit cigarette, smoke wafting towards her hanging plants. I froze.

Her mom screamed at me in Italian, shooing us out the door. As soon as we were safely on our way to the bar where her boyfriend was eagerly awaiting our arrival, she thanked me. "She doesn’t know I smoke, and she won’t care if you do. You know, because you’re American." After a long night of following Chiara around Pescara, meeting the throngs of men that where throwing themselves at her, we finally returned home to a dark apartment.

Her mom had left a note on her table for us. Chiara translated it for me, her mom had left some bread for me to eat in the morning, she knew I had a really early flight. She had also packed up some of the chicken for me to take with me on my flight. I was touched. "That’s good," I said, "She must not hate me."

"Oh no," Chiara responded, "Even if she does she would still feed you. No one will ever go hungry in my moms house, friend or enemy."

To this day I have no idea if there is an older Italian woman on the East Coast of Italy that abhors the thought of me, but either way, her chicken is fantastic.

Honey Mustard Mushroom Stout Chicken

Print Recipe

Total Time 30

Servings 4 -6 servings

Ingredients

3 lbs chicken thighs
1 tbs salt
1 tbs pepper
2 tbs butter
¼ cup chopped shallots
4 cloves garlic minced
8 wt oz mushrooms shitake, crimini, oyster. Fresh not dried
1 cup stout beer
½ cup beef broth
simmer until reduced by about half
2 tsp chopped fresh thyme
2 tsp chopped fresh rosemary
1 tbs raw honey
1 tbs whole grain mustard
¼ cup heavy cream
salt and pepper to taste
rice for serving

Instructions

Preheat the oven to 425.
Sprinkle the chicken on all sides with salt and pepper.
Melt the butter in a pan over medium high heat. Add the chicken, skin side down, cook until skin is browned and crispy, flip the chicken, cooking on the other side until slightly browned. Remove from pan (chicken will not be cooked through).
Add the shallots, reduce heat to medium, cooking until slightly browned. Add the garlic and mushrooms, cooking until the mushrooms have softened, about five minutes. Add the beer, scraping to deglaze the pan. Simmer until reduced by half. Add the broth, thyme, rosemary, honey, and mustard, simmer for about five minutes. Add the cream, simmer until slightly thickened.
Add the chicken back into the pan, place the pan in the oven (make sure this pan is oven safe, if not everything can be transferred to a baking dish instead) roast at 425 for 20 minutes or until the chicken is cooked to 170F degrees.
Serve over rice with sauce.

Notes

Note: if the skin is no longer crispy after roasting, place pan under a preheated broiler for about 2 minutes or until skin has crisped.

Porter Chorizo Black Bean Soup

15.09.2014 7 Comments

On October 17, 1814 the streets of London where flooded with beer. Porter to be exact. At around 6pm, a 22-foot-tall monster barrel of beer, containing over two million pints of porter, succumbed to the pressure of the liquid pushing mightily against the large iron hoops. The burst was so loud, a literal explosion, it could be heard as far as five miles away and caused a chain reaction of erupting barrels across the Meux’s Brewery’s rooftop.

The resulting tidal-wave of beer flooded the streets, the crowded nearby tenements that housed impoverished Irish immigrants, and a local church. In an attempt to score free beer, and salvage the precious liquid from the perils of waste, the local citizens ran through the streets with pots, pans, and mugs to stock up on the wealth of brew that had been bestowed upon them.

The beer tsunami killed a total of nine people, the last man succumbed days later to alcohol poisoning in a valiant attempt to assist the cleaning of the streets by consuming as much of the rogue beer as possible, but most drowned in the beer infused streets or where crushed under the weight of beer toppled structurs.

So when the questions comes up, "Is there really such a thing as too much free beer?" the answer, apaprently is 1,224,000 liters happens to be too much.

Porter Chorizo Black Bean Soup

Print Recipe

Ingredients

2 tbs olive oil
1 cup chopped white onions
12 wt oz Mexican Chroizo divided
24 oz porter beer
3 cups beef broth plus additional to taste
1 lb about 2 ¼ cups dried black beans
1 tsp garlic powder
½ tsp cumin
salt and pepper
½ tsp chili powder
½ cup chopped cilantro
½ cup shredded cheddar

Instructions

Heat the oil in a large pot over medium high heat. Add the onions, cooking until soft. Add the chorizo, cooking until browned. Remove approximately half of the chorizo, reserve for soup topping (alternately, you can cook half of the chorizo in the soup pot, and cook the other half just before serving the soup).
Add the beer, broth, beans, garlic powder, cumin, and chili powder.
Simmer the soup until the beans have softened, about 4 hours. Salt and pepper to taste. Add additional broth to thin, if desired.
Ladle into bowls, top with reserved chorizo, cheese and cilantro.

Spicy Miso Stout Udon Noodle Soup

10.09.2014 10 Comments

Spicy Miso Stout Udon Noodles Soup. Only Takes twenty minutes.

I once got beligerantly drunk at a cafe in Spain and asaulted a waiter.

That’s probably a bit of an exaggeration, unless you ask the waiter. My sister and I had been traveling south from Madrid on our way to Morocco and stopped for a few nights in Tarifa. My sister is a fantastic traveling companion, mostly because when I get a few drinks in her she giggles like she can’t speak English. She was one of the youngest attorneys in the State, passing the BAR at 22-years-old, she’s one of the smartest people I know and she turns into a school girl when she has a glass of wine, which is fantastic.

We’d ordered sangria (they’d brought us a giant pitcher to share), calamari, and a tortilla espanola. About half way through the sangria, both of us giggling so loudly we officially became "Those Damn Americans" at the back of the resturant. I was starving and it had been 45 minutes since we’d ordered and the food portion of our order hadn’t arrived, the empty stomach giving the Sangria more power than it should have had.

I stumbled through the resrutant looking for the waiter, completely unsure of how to ask about my food with my limited Spanish skills.

I finally find him by the bar, loading a tray of martinis. "ummm….¿Dónde está mi comida?"

"¿Que?"

I wasn’t sure if it was the Spanish slaughtering that he was confused by or the food order.

"Mi Comdia….Tango hambre." Which, due to the alcohol and lack of Spanish skills, turned into me telling him that I was a man, or a hamburger. This made him more confused, and it made me more frustrated. Which, any man who is trying to feed his hungry girlfriend can tell you, the combination of tired, hungry and drunk does not bring out the best qualities in an otherwise lovely girl.

"Necesito comida!"

He frowned, shoved a menu in my face "¿Qué quieres, SENORITA!?"

I should have been worried about the result of badgering the person who brings me food, but I was too hungry. A few minutes later a plate of food was literally thrown on the table, fried squid falling onto the floor. He didn’t even stop walking when he handed off the comida. Which of course made my sister and I burst out laughing, in a ridiculous display of drunk girl bi-polar emotions. The food was fantastic, and on the way back to our hotel we were chase by a couple "mal chicos" who were trying to sell us cocaine. But that’s a story for another day.

When you find yourself on the recieving end of a hangry woman who "Necesito comida!" this is the perfect soup. It’s full of flavor and warmth, and it only takes 20 minutes. Just don’t throw it at her, she’s not herself when she’s hungry.

And we apologized by leaving a giant tip, we might be unreasonable when we’re drunk and hungry, but we aren’t bad people.

Spicy Miso Stout Udon Noodle Soup

Print Recipe

Servings 4 servings

Ingredients

1 tbs sesame oil
2 tbs chopped shallots
2 wt oz shitake mushrooms
1 clove garlic minced
3/4 cup stout beer
3 cups chicken broth
1/3 cup yellow miso
1 tbs garlic chili sauce I use the Huy Fong version
2 tsp fish sauce
1 tsp red chili flakes
1 lbs raw shrimp
7 wt oz Udon noodles
¼ cup chopped cilantro
¼ cup chopped green onions
8 sheets roasted Nori chopped

Instructions

Heat the sesame oil in a pot over medium high heat. Add the shallots, cook until softened, about five minutes. Add the mushrooms, cook until softened. Stir in the garlic then add the stout beer. Add the chicken broth, miso, garlic chili sauce, fish sauce and red chili flakes. Bring to a simmer.
Add the shrimp and noodles, simmer until shrimp is cooked through, about 3 minutes.
Ladle into bowls, top with cilantro, green onions and nori.

I use this Chili Garlic Sauce, it’s fantastic, I go through about a bottle a month. (affiliate link)

Chipotle Beer Cheese Oven Fries

08.09.2014 14 Comments

Football fries: Chipotle Beer Cheese Oven Fries

When I was 17 I decided to sell vacuums door-to-door. It was a great plan, I’d met a guy who had made a few thousand dollars in just one day, it seemed like easy money.

After a quick intro seminar in an office park in a bad area of town, they loaded up a floor model into the back of my car and gave me a folder of pre-screened targets that I had appointments with. My first stop was a nice apartment overlooking the water. I nervously waited for the door to open as I practiced my opening line in my head a few times.

The door swung open and an attractive 22-year-old guy was on the other side of the door. The look on his face mirrored my own: you’re not what I was expecting. He eagerly invited me in, offering me a drink, clearly unaware of my underage status. I declined, trying to stick to the script. I didn’t get paid unless this guy buys an overpriced cleaning machine, and I needed money.

I start the routine I’d been taught, demonstrating the equipment, quoting stats and specs, and trying to get him to pay more attention to the vacuum than my jeans. Mid-pitch, he stops me, "I have an Ikea couch and my TV is held up by a shipping crate, do you really think I can afford a $600 vacuum? It’s not going to happen."

I explained that I had to call my boss to tell him how it was going, but I had to wait at least 30 minutes after my arrival. I asked him to give me more time. He hesitated. "Look, how about this. We’ll play one game of poker, if I beat you, you buy the thing. If not, I’ll leave before I have to make the call."

A few minutes later he emerged from his kitchen with a pack of cards and a box of matchsticks he wanted to use as poker chips. Due to a lack of furnishing, we sat cross-legged on the floor of his living room as I dealt hold ’em and watched him suck down a second scotch. Fifteen minutes later, I had all the match sticks. For a second time.

"I just beat you twice," I said as I motioned towards the overpriced vacuum.

"I still can’t afford it. But can I take you out this weekend?"

"Are you going to buy a vacuum?" Which was really a poor choice of words, I just wasn’t sure how to respond to his advance.

"You’re making me buy that thing before I can take you out?"

"No, I’m not going out with you either way. But….it’s a really good vacuum."

He laughed. "Look, I’ll help you load it up. There really is no chance that I’ll buy this thing. How about we walk over to that cafe across the street and I’ll buy you dinner for your trouble."

I hesitated, I didn’t want him to think it was a date, he clearly noticed.

"It’s not a date! I owe you something for your time and the fact that you’re oddly skilled at poker, and I feel bad just sending you away. Just let me buy you dinner."

I agreed, but I also ordered the cheapest thing on the menu, cheese fries, to remind him that there wasn’t any chance this was more. They were fantastic. I canceled all other vacuum-related meetings, returning the stupid thing in the morning. Cheese fries and winning at poker isn’t a bad night, but it never earned me any money.

Football fries: Chipotle Beer Cheese Oven Fries

Chipotle Beer Cheese Oven Fries

Print Recipe

Ingredients

1 tsp salt
1 tsp pepper
1 tsp onion powder
1 tsp garlic powder
½ tsp smoked paprika
½ tsp chili powder
2 lbs russet potatoes cut into wedges
3 tbs canola oil
2 tbs cornstarch
¾ cup beer
1 cup shredded Cheddar do not use pre shredded
¼ cup heavy cream
2 chipotle chili plus additional to taste
2 tbs Butter
¼ cup green onions chopped
¼ cup cilantro chopped

Instructions

Preheat oven to 425.
In a small bowl stir together the salt, pepper, onion powder, garlic powder, smoked paprika, and chili powder.
Add the potatoes to a small bowl, sprinkle with spices, toss to coat.
Add the oil to a baking sheet.
Add the potatoes to the baking sheet in one even layer, with one of the cut sides down.
Bake for 12 minutes. Turn the potatoes over so the other cut side is down.
Bake for an additional 12 minutes or until the potatoes are golden brown and fork tender.
While the potatoes are baking, make the cheese sauce.
Add the cornstarch, beer, cheese, cream, and chipotle to a blender or food processor. Process until smooth.
In a pot over medium high heat, melt the butter. Add the cheese sauce, cook until thickened and warmed.
Plate the potatoes, drizzle with cheese sauce. Sprinkle with cilantro and green onions.

Football fries: Chipotle Beer Cheese Oven Fries

Blackberry Beer Breakfast Muffins

05.09.2014 9 Comments

Blackberry Beer Breakfast Muffins

A few years ago I spent a week in Ireland, at a hostel at the base of the Guinness brewery. Somewhere near 9am I wandered into a nearby restaurant that was much more pub than grub. At the bar was a bit of a surly local, just him and me. I ordered some arrangement of eggs and a coffee, he had a beer. That’s it, just an inky black glass of beer. He saw me eyeing his breakfast pint. "Whaaat? It’s like bread. It’s pretty much like bread, but easier to drink." Which, in my opinion makes it completely OK to have beer for breakfast.

These muffins also give you a legitimate reason to break two rules. Beer is a leavening agent, giving you a legitimate reason to add it to your grab-and-go breakfast, the texture of the muffins is incredible. The second rule breaking has to do with berries. Although there is a strong leaning towards fresh produce in this world, there is also a legitimate reason for baking with the frozen variety. Berries that are completely ripe and juicy are too fragile to ship, these are the ones that get frozen, making frozen berries actually better than those that ripened on a truck on the way to the market. Don’t be afraid to head to the freezer section rather than the produce section when you want to make these. And don’t be afraid to open a beer before noon, you know, to make breakfast with.

Blackberry Beer Breakfast Muffins

Print Recipe

Ingredients

2 cups flour
1 cup sugar
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp baking soda
1 ?2 tsp salt
1 egg
5 tbs butter melted
1/3 cup sour cream
2/3 cup pale ale
2 cups frozen blackberries
½ cup brown sugar packed
½ cup oats

Instructions

Preheat oven to 350.
In a large bowl stir together the flour, sugar, baking powder, baking soda, and salt.
Make a well in the dry ingredients, add the egg, melted butter, sour cream and beer. Stir until combined. Stir in the blackberries.
Spoon into muffin tins until each well is about 2/3 full. Sprinkle each muffin with brown sugar and oats.
Bake at 350 for 20 to 25 minutes (baking time will be less if you use unfrozen blackberries).

Caramel Apple Brown Ale Cake

03.09.2014 17 Comments

I was once asked to write a piece about apples for a print magazine. Seems easy enough, I did grow up on a farm flanked by apple orchards. But here’s the problem: I tend to be a bit opinionated about certain things. Most issues bring out a very "live and let live" spirit in me, but ask my opinion and I’ll tell you.

For instance, this exchange happened recently:

I was at Nordstroms Rack recent perusing the discounted designer shoes and a woman had her foot stuck into a particularly hideous pair of white and black slingbacks. "You look stylish, can I ask you a question?" She asked as I tried to squeeze past her. I said yes, of course. "Do these look good on me?"

As any man can tell you, the immediate answer should be "Of course, you look fantastic, no one has ever looked better in mid-range kitten heels!" But I’m not typical, and I never want to hear that. I want the truth, sorry Jack Nicholson, I can handle it. So I assume if you ask a complete stranger—rather than the man whom you’re letting see you naked on the regular— you want the actual truth. If you don’t, don’t ask me.

"No, those are terrible." I said, in a sympathetic tone.

She looked genuinely shocked, as if she’d cobbled them herself in an elf-infested cottage. "They aren’t flattering to your toes, they don’t seem to fit well and the pattern looks dated. Try these." I said, grabbing her a slightly higher heeled pair with a more muted pattern and a larger opening at the toe. They were also a half size bigger.

"But I’m not a 7 1/2." She said as she slid her foot into the perfect fitting pair of shoes.

"Yes you are, just try them on. No one can see the size." They looked great on her, "See, your legs look longer, your toes look smaller and that shoe goes with more things."

"Oh, wow. Thank you." She bought them. And to this day I imagine her saying a silent thank you to the girl in the discount clothing store for talking her into buying them every time she gets compliments on her favorite pair of shoes.

I’m going to do this for you right now with apples, like I did for that print magazine.

Don’t ever, under any circumstance, ever, ever, cook with a Red Delicious apples. It’s a giant mistake and your baked goods will suffer. Like a vapid 22-year-old in a mini skirt holding a cosmo at a trendy bar: all the good qualities are on the outside. Sure they look good, but nothing on the inside is worth the stunning good looks. The flesh of a Red Delicious is mushy, mealy, and breaks down during cooking.

What should you use? I’m so glad you asked. You need an apple that can take a punch. You need one that has a bit of a sour bite to balance the sugar in your recipe. I love Honey Crisp, although some can tend to be a touch sweet and occasionally mushy (but that’s rare and usually for an overripe apple), SweeTangos are fantastic but hard to find. Granny Smith is an easy go-to, although a bit more sour than other varieties. However, the flesh stands up to baking, and the tartness is a great balance to the sweetness of a baked good.

Just don’t ask my opinion about your shoes or produce unless you’re prepared for the truth. But then again, I think you can handle it.

Caramel Apple Brown Ale Cake

Print Recipe

Ingredients

For the caramel layer:

3 tbs butter
1 cup white sugar
¼ cup brown ale
2 tbs cream
2 large SweeTango or Granny Smith apples sliced

For the cake layer:

1 1/3 cup AP flour
1 tsp cinnamon
¼ tsp ground nutmeg
1 tsp baking powder
½ tsp salt
1 cup white sugar
½ cup brown sugar
1 large egg
2/3 cup brown ale
1/4 cup heavy cream
¼ cup melted butter
1 tsp vanilla

Instructions

Add the butter, white sugar and brown ale to a saucepan over high heat. Stir until butter is melted and sugar is dissolved. Allow to boil without stirring until dark amber color, about 5 minutes. Remove from heat, stir in the cream, allow to cool until the bubbling stops.
Arrange the apples slices in a cake pan or deep dish pie pan that has been well greased.
Pour the caramel over the apples.
Ina large bowl stir together the flour, cinnamon, nutmeg, baking powder, salt, white sugar and brown sugar.
Make a well in the dry ingredients, add the eggs, beer, cream, melted butter and vanilla, stir until just incorporated.
Pour batter over apples.
Bake at 325 for 45 minutes or until golden brown and top springs lightly when touched.
Wait precisely ten minutes, invert on a serving plate to remove from pan.

Sausage Sliders with IPA Sriracha Sour Cream

01.09.2014 6 Comments

I always a nice girl, polite, maybe a little shy in a way that made me seem unapproachable. Always a go-with-the-flow, don’t-rock-the-boat kind of person, never one to cause a riot.

Until you put me in a red swim suit and give me a whistle, then I’m bossy and loud. The summer after high school I got a job as a lifeguard at a summer camp protecting pasty white teenagers from the depths of a murky lake. One of the stations I worked was this 30 foot long inflatable rectangular pillow that extended out into the deep center of the lake called "The Blob." Kids would climb up on the large platform that was positioned over one end of The Blob, jump down and climb out to the other end of this multi-colored launching device. When the next kid would jump off the platform on the near end of The Blob, the first kid would be flung high into the air, right into the lake.

We had a weight limit, for safety reasons. Only a 100 pound weight differential between Blobbers was aloud or the launch would be too extreme for the the one who was being flung. A late afternoon, just a few minutes before the end of the afternoon swim session, a camp counselor came to me asking to bend the rules. He wanted to launch the smallest girl off the end of The Blob, just to see what would happen.

I said no, "You are huge, she is tiny. That doesn’t end well."

He resisted, telling me I wasn’t being cool, "Why are you being so lame?!"

"You easily have 200 pounds on her, she’ll get hurt. Don’t do it."

Two minutes later I see her on the far end of The Blob, hands gripping tightly to her lifejacket. Knees curled. I look up at the platform, a small kid was about to jump. But my relief turned to hot white anger when I saw Big Guy Dumbass Councilor push him out of the way and cannon ball onto the blob. Tiny Girl was sent so far into the air that everyone in line gasped. She flailed, her tiny arms windmilling. After a ten story descent into the water, she landed flat on her back with the loudest slap I’ve ever heard, it echoed across the lake. She lay in the water, frozen without moving. I immediately jumped in and swam out to her. She was in shock, but ok. She was silently sobbing, limp as I pulled her back in. I put her on the dock without saying a word, took off her life jacket, she had giant welts on her lower back and was having a hard time moving.

I looked up at Dumbass, who was still on The Blob. "Dude…" was all he said. I shot him the nastiest look I could muster and yelled to everyone in line that The Blog was closed early.

At dinner that night, we had sliders. I was still in my swimsuit, with white shorts, hair still wet after barely making it to the dining hall after filling out the Incident Report. I sit at the staff table, with a clear view of Dumbass. I stared at him, eating my sliders with a vengeance. Another lifeguard, who’d been working the pool that afternoon noticed my wrath, "Jackie, what the hell? What did those sliders do to you? Jesus, you look pissed." Something about eating small little burgers that makes me feel powerful, in an "I’ve got this" sort of way. Don’t mess with me when I’ve got a whistle. Or sliders.

Sausage Sliders with IPA Sriracha Sour Cream

Print Recipe

Servings 8 to 10 sliders

Ingredients

1 lbs raw Italian sausage removed from casings
¾ cup IPA beer divided
½ tsp red pepper flakes
¼ tsp salt
2 tbs olive oil
1 cup sour cream
¼ cup chopped cilantro
2 tsp sriracha
green leaf lettuce
8-10 dinner rolls split (toasted if desired)

Instructions

In a medium bowl add the sausage, 3 tablespoons beer, red pepper flakes, and salt. Stir until just combined.
Form into 8 small patties, about 2 ½ inches wide by ½ inch tall.
Heat olive oil in a large pan over medium high heat. Cook the patties on one side until golden brown, about 2 minutes. Flip and add ½ cup beer to the pan. Simmer until patties are cooked through, about 6 additional minutes.
In a small bowl stir together the sour cream, cilantro and sririacha.
Add the patties to the split rolls, top with sour cream and lettuce.